British actor Iain Glen as Ser Jorah

Ser Jorah Mormont from the show Game of Thrones
A sketch that I did (and sent to the actor, hopefully he responds lol...feel like such a fan girl, i used to look down on those easily overexcited people..now i'm one of them) 

I SHAVED MY HEAD

When I showed up to school, I had a lot of explaining to do - to both my classmates and my teachers. 

I told them that I would be donating my hair to Locks of Love, which is an organization that makes wigs for kids who have a hair loss disorder  of some sort or they have a disease that prevents them from having hair like cancer. And not much else. Not much else in an articulate manner anyway. 

Therefore, here is my chance to set the record a little bit straighter. 

So why did I do it? 

Well, for two reasons. 

The first reason is because I wanted to prove to myself that I was not all talk and no action. That was one of the reasons among a dozen others. It just really annoyed me how people care too much about how they look in the eyes of others. It's fine if you want to look good, there is nothing wrong with that. However, on a deeper subconscious level, people do care a LOT about what they look like - and it is often a waste of time and energy. 

I'm not a vain person. I don't bother to dress nicely as long as I don't look completely ridiculous. In fact I usually just wear jeans and a t-shirt to school. But I'm not completely one-sided either, which is to say that I'm just like everyone else. Even I, from time to time, think about how my hair looks and how my nose looks and how my ears protrude out. My eyes, eyebrows, teeth, everything. I too worried over that kind of stuff. 

For girls especially, one of the key things that girls value is their hair. A lot of us likes to curl it, make it shiny, and hope that it looks as good as someone else's. Again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, but I know that people do care more about their appearance than they let on. And that is very true about hair. Long, straight, shiny, curly, wavy. All that and more. 

And it can get ridiculous. 

Yet again, even I, who usually just tie my hair into a sloppy bun and have it sag against the back of my neck, care more about my appearance than I let on. 

Which makes me a hypocrite.

I suddenly wanted a change - and not only because I wanted to get a different look from the one that I had since the 6th grade. I wanted to prove to myself that I truly am what I believed in. How can I disdain others for dolling up when I too cared about my appearance, even if on a lesser degree? Was it jealousy that I was actually feeling? 

No, I told myself. I was getting confused with my thoughts. If you think about something too much, you'll get confused and I was thinking too much. So how did I want to really prove to myself that I really didn't care about my appearance? That the only appearance that I cared about is Shuyi, the person? 

I would have to cut my hair short then to get rid of one of my biggest distractions. At first, I wanted to get a chin length haircut and then a pixie cut. I wanted it shorter and shorter and eventually realized that I might as well just chop it all off. Start anew. 

My father was on board with it but my mother, the traditionalist, wasn't. She wanted me to "behave like a girl" and not be "silly." She also wouldn't let me learn kung fu last summer, saying that it was a boys sport. 

And while I tried to ignore these, I was nonetheless, swayed. What would be under that hair? A gnome shaped head? What would my classmates say? I knew I was strong but even I didn't know my limits. 

But then, that was the point anyway wasn't it? To not give a shit about it all? I was going in circles. Thinking too much and running backwards on a treadmill. I would do it, with or without my mother or any other voices out there and in here. 

So as my father sheared off my hair, I thought that I might cry like I've heard some girls do when they get their hair shaved off. But I didn't feel the least bit sad. In fact it was probably one of the most liberating feelings ever. I was no longer weighed down or distracted by my hair. I had nothing to hide behind and nothing to hide from.

The second reason is of course, for charity - which is a wonderful byproduct, an added bonus, branching off from the original cause. 

But it also got a little confusing because the original purpose and the new purpose conflicted. Here I am, proving to myself that I didn't care about what others thought about me, and the children will wear the wig with my hair to make themselves prettier and such. 

I did discover a distinct difference though. Many of these children who will receive wigs are not only much younger than I, but they are, of course, afflicted with life threatening diseases. I honestly cannot imagine what they feel when they walk out into the world with a veiny bald head, a clear harbinger of their frail condition that sets them apart from the others in society. 

While normally we make ourselves look better because we all on some degree want to be "best in show" and express our individuality, anonymity is a luxury that these children do not feel like they have. To look normal, is something they want to have back almost as much as living normally. To give them a way that hides their condition, to give them that piece of mind, is something that means a lot more to the receiver than the giver. 

Anyways, adults are a lot stronger than kids when it comes to "being yourself." Although less so now, I can still be swayed sometimes by the opinions of others. So if I can't even control the fluctuation of my self esteem level, how can these children have the slimmest bit of that ability?

As a final note, I just want to say that other than these two reasons, I did not do this to send a message to everyone else. That was not the original intention. I shaved my head for me. Nevertheless, many told me how inspiring it is of me to do this and for that I am grateful. But it is not enough to be inspired. Anybody can just sit there and be inspired. But to do something, to really get up and do something, to prove to yourself that the belief is no longer just a concept, but a real thing that exist and moves as you move, is something on a completely different level. 

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Thanks for reading and I hope you can take something away from this post. Sorry if there are any spelling or grammar errors and what not. I'm the farthest thing away from a grammar Nazi.
But I did try to make it better than my other posts, which shamelessly don't give a shit about grammar.