J24

Have you every wondered why there aren't any cooking shows that have two host chefs?
well because there are a variety of cooking styles and everybody's is unique
now that sounds very understandable but let me put it into perspective

if martha stewart teamed up with a steakhouse owner in NY...

martha: "so after you put it in the oven, your cupcakes should look like..."

(TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE OTHER HOST'S CUPCAKES, GRABS ONE AND THROWS IT AT HIM)

martha: "YOU CALL THIS A CUPCAKE?!!!!!!!"

J23

an earthquake hit Chile today, death toll sky rocketing and the pressure on the government is growing to rebuild everything. and this was not long after Haiti

the pressure is also building on the americans too
commercial making people to make more earthquake commericals, talk show people who needs to snag the first adopters before the others do, low income people who feel the pressure to donate money again

but the people who has the most pressure now, more than anybody

are the pop singers and the song writers down in LA
cuz now they need to come up with a new song
called SAVE CHILE

and this time, there aren't a whole lot of words that rhyme with chile

J22

so the Norwegians basically have nothing to do all day. they live in a small country that is basically neutral in all international issues and just kind of sits around all day waiting for the grass to grow...if there are any grass

becuase this is probably wat goes on during a typical norwegian day

"Vot do you want to do today?"
"i dunno"
"vont to go skiing?"
"we just did that yesterday"
"fine...how about moguls?"
"FINALLY SOMETHING NEW"

Do you know what bothers me?
well a lot of stuff bothers me

rewind
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ARE ONE OF THE THINGS THAT BOTHERS ME?

peop-KIDS dating at age 13
i mean WHAT?!
there are a lot of things weird with that
and as a warning
i might get carried away with this...like i have ADHD or something

so age 13
three years after 10
which is when you're in 5th grade or something
and three years before 16
which is in high school
and you can date

BUT AGE THIRTEEN?! it's just kind of awkward cuz your KIDS
and you don't know anything
and you try not to be naive but you can't help it
and i know that from experience
and most of all
you try to grow up way to fast
and i know that one too...for trying to read SAT books on chemistry
which when i flipped to the very first page
i had no idea what it was talking about

and this is not just age 13
this kids dating thing happens at age 12!
and age 11!
and at age 10!
and even at age 9!!

WHAT?!
i know right
age 9
when you are in 3 grade
or was it 4th?
whatever
same thing

at that time
your only about 1 or 2 years away from 1st grade
1 or 2 years may sound long
but that depends at what age will you be after those 1 or 2 years
and that age is 9
so
at age nine
the time where you are in elementary school
the place where you learn your ABC'S and 123's
your also dating?
THAT IS INSANE

and now, i realize that i just made it sound like kindergardeners are dating
WHICH IS HORRIFYING
cuz then you wonder what the meaning of baby is

now erase that thought from your mind
i'll give you some time to do that
even though some of you will just scroll down super fast anyways



































































is this long enough?

































































o..........k

so dating at age 13 is now traced back to elementary school
and i hope that made sense
checking.....and yes it does
good

dating in elementary school
dating when you are suppose to be learning fractions and grammar
will make you dumb
sure you can try to keep up
but WHY?
are you gonna get married by 4th grade?
and plus the height difference between a 9 year old and a 7 year old is...a nanoinch
even worse than when your 13
so
i know that i sound like a mom
but seriously
lets just stop insulting moms
why don't you insult dad's or something?
no...they'll probably punch you if you do
never mind
but seriously (again)
everything i just said is anything but a lie

if that takes you a long time to figure out
i mean that everything i just said is the truth
and the truth
is inevitable
and that was redundant

so pretty self explanatory
and because of that
i will say no more

J21 VALENTINE'S DAY

*i know that it's Chinese New Years too, but i can't think of any good jokes for that
so yea. here's the valentine's day joke*



Today, people all over the world received a Valentine's day card
Queen Elizabeth got cards from all over the world, ALMOST all saying the same " happy Valentine's day"
However the one from the Obama had political cartoons of himself and said "I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN"

George W. Bush is the only person in USA who sent 2 valentine's day card without cheating on his wife. the first was for Laura and the second, which said "BE MINE," was sent to AMERICA.

Bin Laden got a card that said "YOUR AS SWEET AS CANDY" from Sadam Hussein.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

THE WINTER OLYMPICS YEA! and other ramblings

the winter olympics were in a word....ok not in a word cuz there were some ups and downs in my opinion

redo:

the winter olympics were suprising, kinda boring, and had some pure awesomeness

the kinda boring part was when the prime minister started his speech

i tried to get really in to it

but you can't just fake something, especially an emotion

like how i kept on fake laughing at someone's joke even though it wasnt funny and because everybody else was laughing for some reason

i did that for 1/3 of a year

it kinda killed me in the end cuz i just lost all energy

anyways

i just couldn't get in to it

cuz it seemed like that he was just bored and wanted to go back to his seat

the other stuff that was awesome

were the projections of pictures on the floors, stadium, LCD screens

they did a part where they showed the floor as a ice shelf using projection

and people were on it and suddenly

the ice broke

and it looked SOO real

and it was projection

they did the same with a picture of the prairie planes and whales swimming

it was awesome

however

the prime minister speech came and i fell asleep

literally

and there always seems to be this one guy

(a canadian punk, using this reference just because it's canada)

who always whoops and yells whenever somebody was doing bad....like awkwardly bad

(kinda like if you got a surprise performance from Fergie and you find out that she sings really badly live. "YEEEAAAA......ok......yea.....um...that was....good")

just to keep the spirits up
and he would yell

and whoop

and the whole stadium could hear him

that was a side comment

cuz whoever he was

he kept on doing it

and it was annoying

that was also the same with the tap dancing

with fiddle/irish music

but if feel like that if i freely talk about it, i might offend the whole canadian continent (they're too big to be a country)

don't get me wrong

i LOVE IRISH AND TAP DANCING MUSIC STUFF

but i was just wondering how the whole stadium could hear the tap dancing

and how i don't remember how tap dancing with your arms flapping ridiculously - ok gone too far

see this is what happens if i ramble on

one second i'm praising it and the next nanosecond i'm a New York critic

well my other favorite part was when the athletes walked in

and as a nerd

i tried to remember all the countries names, location, and facts that the NBC people were saying

i think i still remember

i tried to do an indian accent when the India came

it was lame because indian accents aren't that funny anymore unless you can do it super well and your not indian

and then

i did a WAY better irish accent when the irish came

but that was a linguistic challenge

half the time i didn't know what i was saying

cuz it sounded like i was in a spanish class and i was practicing pronouncing the "r"s

and some how trying to combine that with an Australian accent (cuz you find that both irish/scottish and australian accents tend to go up a bit at some point when they talk)

and i jumped up and down (which i wouldn't do unless it was US olympic athletes or Steve Martin) and chanted "USA!" when the USA-ians came

i jumped up and down and chanted "USA!" when the Canadians came

but then i changed to "CAN-U-DUH"

cuz you can't go against someone who's done nothing to you

canada is like an innocent child (like there ever was an innocent child but anyways)

no matter how much you wanna go against them, you always end up giving up

they have beautiful landscape

they never have their own wars

(well cuz they don't have a lot of stuff to fight for......and don't say rightness or liberty cuz you know what i mean)

they are nice

they are welcoming

they are funny

well mainly cuz they have an accent

but they are very awesome people

and you just can't fight against awesome

plus they have a leaf on their flag

and that is just so....nice

and everybody loves maple syrup on their pancakes

as for us USA-ians, when we say "RED WHITE AND BLUE"

a lot of people in Europe are like "THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!"

and then everybody is hiding under a table

and the news are like "THE SOVIET UNION REUNITED"

jkjk

but very possible :)

candians are one of a kind

you cant find another country like Canada anywhere else

they are just so innocent and perfect

you might think OH FRANCE OF COURSE

but no

when you meet a french guy

he's polite and says "ello"

and takes his hand out to shake hands

and you take one step closer

and WHAM

a wave 100 year old stinky sock smell hits you tsunami after tsunami

this is what i found out on a stereotype website

french men are smelly

i don't know if they are

i have no offense against french people

they have some of the coolest people on earth

like uh...well i'll think of someone

oh yea

Joan of Arc

the mulan of france

so then my dad sent me to go brush my teeth

and when i came back

he said that i missed the most wonderful part and then he told me

and so apparently i got back just in time to see the ENDING

and then i got super angry and i immediately went onto my email and swore a lot in my status message

well you have to make use of these status messages

cuz it can't always say "SNL isn't as good as it used to be"

worse

my dad told me that something went wrong with the ending of the "wonderful part"

some pillars or something didn't go up and the performers were just standing there waiting...for a long time

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANNA SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN

THAT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO AN AFRICAN SAFARI BOOK WITH TONS OF PICTURES OF LIONS AND CAPTIONS UNDERNEATH SAYING HOW EXOTIC AND POWERFUL THESE ANIMALS ARE. THAT DOESN'T CONVINCE ANYONE CUZ THE PICTURES ARE JUST PICTURES. THEY AREN'T REAL LIONS!!!!

because you always find that the real thing is way better

and hearing about something awesome from another person who's seen it and not seen it yourself doesn't make you feel good. in fact it makes you feel angry. terribly angry

i hope you all know what i mean

cuz if you don't

i'll feel even more angrier

not that i would know

but still...

so the lesson of this, class,

is to not lose your temper over once in a lifetime chance thing

or else you'll eventually end up in Shutter Island

along with leonardo di caprio

well

i guess that that's not too bad for...most...of you female human beings

anyways

on to the lessons, class

you should also learn from canadians

and never listen to your parents when they say "brush your teeth"

cuz you don't know what you're giving up

and it doesn't matter if you get yellow teeth from it

cuz it will be quite some time before you feel the regret

and it will not matter even then

cuz by then

they'll have twin packs of REALLY ADVANCED CREST WHITENING STRIPS...ONE'S THAT'LL ACTUALLY WORK, from Costco

and you can just get them

or you can bleach them for your birthday

so that was my experience on winter olympics

feel free to comment on how your experience was

although many of you wont

i'm still saying it to make me feel a little bit better

J20

there aren't a lot of jobs that lesbian people can have without being discriminated

but i think i found another job option (and this one is good)

CIA AGENT

or NSA

or MI6

or police

something along the lines of THAT

because if you think about it

most bad guys are guys

and if a lesbian ever met one this is wat would happen:

sees bad guys

gets out a gun

"hmm cute but useless bang, cute but useless bang, cute but useless bang"

jobs = food

there is a school trip to Yosemite National Bank

lol

Yosemite national park

the only way i know how to spell yosemite

is by breaking it down like this

yose - mite

that's the same with Uranus but i won't go to specifics

anyways

that trip cost about $600

and i'm not going

cuz it's too expensive

obviously people are really cautious about spending there money

i realized that when i was dining with my mom and i was eating soo much

and she started teasing me about it and so told me that i am only "a consumer"

well then i said (i tried, remember i'm still eating) "well consumers can help the economy"

but then she also said that i am a "shit producer" but i had no comebacks for that so yea...

anyways

back on the subject

people are wary to spend money

especially now

but now another important thing in my life is that my parents are constantly asking me what i want to be when i grow up

it was really annoying

i wanted to say "i want to get really far away"

but i couldn't

and cant

they asked me it i wanted to be a doctor and giving me stuff like "o if i wasnt so poor as a child, i would've been a doctor" or something

well i said no cuz i didn't want to cut people up and draw blood or jam a needle into someone

and then they asked me whether i wanted to be a lawyer how typical

i said no cuz i'm not good in dealing with other people's problems or even want to deal with other people's buisness

and law is boring

all i need to know are the political cartoons in the new york times and the statue of liberty

and that fine with me

at that point, my parents just lost all hope in life

jkjk

but still

i just rejected to two most promising careers in the nation or world or both

but desperately my dad asked me if i wanted to be a dentist

and i was like YES

actually i said no

i mean come on

i don't want to be somebody's tooth pick

so yea

infact i don't know what i want to be

there is so much things out there

and i know that from all the online job adds that are on the sides with little cartoon with different outfits above the name of the job

jobs are like food

the more disgusting, the better it is for you

it's been a while

well i've been SUPER busy

well

i was

and then

i had a lot of time

which i could have posted up something

so

i'm guilty

and i feel guilty too

so i'm gonna make an excuse to make me feel better

i was trying to make up for lost times with my computer

yes that is reasonable

well

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ALL

wait....

no

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

and now all of you can stop celebrating the cow, or the bull....or i like to call it:

STEAK!!!!!!

god i'm really hungry now

well there is no subject for this

i just thought i needed to write something

and yea

i need a new joke

but i don't have a lot of time to think of any

(even though i just told you all that i eventually did have time)

cuz something really important happened

no its not that my pet died

and no, canada and russia finally stopped being social outcasts

and no, and no france joined with italy

(although they really should, cuz they both have good food, good sites, and good "romantic cities")

to me paris and rome are basically the same thing

wat was i talking about again?

i ramble a lot

o yea the important thing

the important thing is.....

NBC CHUCK IS BACK!!!!!

OMG (kinda sad that nobody says or writes oh my god anymore) I CANT THINK WHY NBC WOULD WANT TO CANCEL CHUCK! BUT NOW ITS BACK! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCH MODERN FAMILY OR GLEE YOU NEED TO WATCH CHUCK BECAUSE IT'S AN AWESOME AMERICAN ATTEMPT TO MAKE A COMEDY OUT OF JAMES BOND!

ok

for those of you who don't know chuck

(one, your dumb and two, i'm going to tell you about chuck)

it's a spy tv show

about a nerd (chuck) who works at a BUY MORE which is like BEST BUY and then he gets a bunch of secrets downloaded into his brain and the CIA send their top agent Sarah (really pretty) and the NSA sent their top agent Casey (muscular and mean and uh...not as pretty) to protect Chuck. And there is a bunch of funny stuff with chuck's co workers at the BUY MORE and they're really funny

so there it is

CHUCK

this show has got it all (horribly cheezy not that i wrote it out)

whether you want comedy

or whether you want cool and awesome action gun fights

or whether you want beauty, well then, there's the cast

yup

as you can see

i am obsessed with that show

and with that

i realize that i probably bored you to death