The Future....
i must've written this a dozen times....but now i realize that all those posts that i've written a long time ago, nearly every single one of them on this particular subject was just a big :WHO ARE YOU? question.... and each time was my attempt to confirm the answer. But now i see that i wasn't really trying to confirm the answer - i was trying the force the answer.
whether it was the force the answer out of me or it was because i was trying to force an answer upon myself because i didn't have one: i dunno.
as i continue to grow, as i continue to progress through my path, i can't help think that i'm stalling, if not moving backwards. i realize all the burdens that will come when i grow up and i'm not sure if i can accept them. i understand them, but i haven't quite accepted it yet. the more i look ahead, the more i'm wary of moving forward because of all the hardships i see. this is no longer about school...but everything, the whole shebang. (Gulp) adulthood.
i'll admit, i feel silly and ridiculous for feeling a lot like peter pan right now. J.M. Barrie, you were right all along. Everything that i've always had a passion for, studying (yes), learning, drawing, and other shenanigans feel like they're slipping away and dropping out of sight. it's like when you first go into an international airport. You're awestruck and intimidated by JFK and barely register the fact that your hand lost it's grip out of shock and the handles of your bags slip off your fingers. You've carried them all this time, focused on your where you're going, and then all of a sudden the world rushes in.
"...holy crap...."
You've forgotten how complicated and vast everything is.
If you have ever been to the JFK airport or know of it's reputation, then you'll know what i mean. I believe it's one the world's many ways of giving you a reality check.
Before you go in: *sigh. everything is as it should be and feeling like catching butterflies
After you go in: Just F*king Kidding.
For the past few days, when many of my classmates, who are about to enter the most stressful chapter of their high school lives, are hard at work studying, i find myself doing nothing. For the longest time i didn't know why i was doing nothing. i was telling myself that i needed to do work or else i'll be stuck in a hellhole once school starts. But now i know; i was avoiding the problem. It is not just procrastinating on homework. It is procrastinating on life.
life is a beast to take on...and i felt like the easiest way was to avoid it. i was doing nothing because i was trying to stall. But deep down i know that it's going to hunt me down like Kill Bill anyways. I can already imagine it...."The Bride" comes and kicks my ass half way across the world and while i'm still sailing peacefully in the air i think, "maybe avoiding wasn't such a good idea...."
Before finals, i have been able to devour whole textbooks but the idea of growing up is something i can't wrap my head around. The future. the deepest crap hole ever. and we're all suppose to walk right into it like lemmings.
Well that's why we have the internet so fine folks like us can complain about our problems. but i don't want to just complain...i want to find the solution. I've heard meditating helps but every time i try to sit still, somewhere always starts itching and then i can't help but i scratch it before i go insane. Plus i'm still not really clear on the concept of a chakra....what is a chakra?!
The only thing i can think up is the fact that life just keeps rolling on...a lot of the times downhill, but nevertheless, it keeps on going. And whatever what we little grasshoppers do, plant a tree, nuke a city, it will keep on turning like it's nobody's business.
kinda reminds me of my landlord: "here's your place, don't screw it up too much....and just pay me by the end of month"
I know i have to accept...everything. But i don't want to force feed it. I just want to...let it seep in slowly. Then my life can feel normal again and my drive for everything that i used to have a passion for can come back. It's just like when you blink, shake your head, pick up your luggage again, and find your terminal to continue on your path.
hi lol it kind of sounds like ur having a midlife crisis as a teen or something o.o
ReplyDeleteI shall attempt to help u deal with ur internal conflict.
ok this might be kind of long/deep but these r my thoughts/response:
(lol actually deep stuff is actually what goes on inside my head much of the time, not just "..."'s xD philosophy is intriguing, imo...just fyi lol)
"the more i look ahead, the more i'm wary of moving forward because of all the hardships i see. this is no longer about school...but everything, the whole shebang."
how about all the hardships of the past? :O lol for example in my life, i certainly do not want to go over 9th grade and p.e. and all that again...and think of all the particular teachers and people who did not quite make a good impression on u, u will never see them again~
dont try and idealize childhood...cuz u'r almost done with it, nothing much u can do about it
humans always want what they cant have, thus explaining nostalgia, greed, etc...wanting what they cant have can drive ppl crazy xD
"The future. the deepest crap hole ever."
well try and make a positive outlook of what u *can* and *do* have, isnt there stuff you look forward to in the future?
dont try and hold on to the past, certainly cherish it but dont think too much of it
and just curious, what is it about the past that u cant do it in the future? :P is it less work? more freedom? ...
srry if i digress, but lol ive thought about stuff like this a lot too
and what i have figured out is that the goal ppl should pursue in their life is: be at peace with yourself. if u cant feel at peace with yourself with the world being all messed up etc., that's where compassion comes in.
there is no real meaning of life, life rlly is all about cycles and reproduction
humans have intelligence only because we like everything to have a reason, reasons make us feel secure, so we know what's going on and can feel more in control
hence we tend to avoid the unknown
we can't simply accept something, there has to be a "why" or else we feel insecure
(that's y so many ppl r afraid of the dark lol)
"i want to find the solution."
just wondering, the solution to what? (im not meaning to sound rude or curt, srry if i am)
if i guessed ur intention right,
there is no real solution
u cant force a solution if there isn't one
that's y ppl resort to religion, because much of life and its meaning cannot be justified, and people desperately feel the need to justify the unknown (im sorry if this is starting to get to a touchy subject...i'll stop.)
so i suggest u start studying for college NOW because if u dont u will prob regret it :D
do with what u have, dont continuously yearn about what is out of reach (the past) cuz u cant do anything about it
and Keep Moving Forward (from Meet the Robinsons lol)
srry if half of this made no sense... xD
wowzers that was long o.o
ReplyDeletesrry lol didnt realize how much i typed...
just ur deep blog post invoked many thoughts lol xD