J5

my mom thought that it would be funny if she told me that she found me in a garbage can.
i believed her becuase i was the only one in my family who didn't like noodles and Diana Ross

J4

King George III once said: DAMN YOU AMERICA!
and we were
he later reincarnated as our 43rd president


















i actually had several versions of this joke

1. king george III once said : damn you america. and we were. we soon had our own set of georges.

2. king george III said: damn you america. 200 years later, george w. bush became president

3. kin george III once said: damn you america! and we were. he later reincarnated as George II of America

J4

just so you know

i'll bet you that there will be some mild swearing
in the jokes stuff
those are only for the jokes
i don't actually swear that often

COMMENT FOR GOD'S SAKE

come on people!
comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you don't comment
i will die unhappy at age 30

J3

when Marcus Nispel directed "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", even the Taliban was like
"YOU ARE CRAZY MOTHERF*****!!"

another thing on the jokes......i'm probably confusing you all

you know wat
just rate the jokes in anyway you want
5 stars
4 stars
3 stars
2 stars
1 star.....(hopefully not that one)

J2

some teachers are way too persistent with jocks
that's kinda like Christians waiting for jesus

J1

this is my view on how a war starts




"WAR! FIGHT MEN FIGHT!"

"hold on, this war's gotta have a name first"

jokes

this post doesn't have jokes
this post probably will bore you

i think i'm going to type some jokes
and then i want all my readers
(all 2 of you )
to give me feedback
on the jokes

tell me if they are bad or not
or if they are ok

and don't just say
"oh that one was ok"
i actually want you people to write more than that
like "that was great i really liked it"
elaborate

and i want constructive criticism
becuz these jokes are the ones i came up with
i will be posting up a few jokes that aren't mines so you don't have to give feedback on those
but you can if you want to
i'll put
"JJJ"
if the joke is not mines

so yea
one joke a post
or maybe 2 jokes per post
i dunno
i'll just see where this goes

this is a informative post
the ones you get before and for something really awesome
like when someone has to explain the rules of a really cool game

and you're thinking
"yea yea kick the ball and don't break any heads"

serena and curmudgeons

well you probably know about serena william's meltdown during the US open
and apparently a lot of things went open
i think that she should have saved those yells for later
becuz i think that if i was her i probably would have done the same

she should have say her sorry to the judge then tell her to meet with her at the back of a seven eleven later on.....

just kidding
but still..........

so when serena was yelling at the judge, the chinese person was all like
"ah......americans, o well, i come from china. i'm pretty used to this s*** "

and that other girl
Kim clijsters
she was just standing there
i bet it was all awkward for her
but when the call was made on serena's "foot fault"
she was probably thinking

"does this mean i win?"

but then as when the high authority judge came or something
and all the fans were cheering
and nothing was really resolved she was all like
"these are children we are dealing with. try another tactic"

so the fans were all cheering
even during the shouting match
and several of the old people are all like
"oh the media is going to get this. we are watching history!"

and then there was this John McEnroe guy
he was like this really good tennis player from the 90's ? 60's? 50's?
o yea 80's
he said that wat serena did was wrong blah blah blah
judging from the yahoo sports article,
you'd have to be pretty screwed for him to say that

and i don't even know who he is!
from the looks of it, it seems that they only bring someone who has live mostly in the 20th century if half the children in america knows him

long time well known professionals always criticize the younger generation

so
those who break their backs become curmudgeons

tiger woods: WE'RE NOT PLAYING HOCKEY HERE!

so i was at the dentist today............

so i was at the dentist today...........
and i was lying down on this chair that reminded me of the electric chair
i talked to the dentist a little
so i layed down for uh.....well a long time
some minutes later
one of the tools was in my mouth
i tried to focus on the lights or the dentist's eyeball
(sometimes i focus on the eyeball without thinking.

wow. that's a pretty big pupil. wonder if she's born with it. hey she looks like the asian version of britney spears. wat color is that? smoker's teeth?)

but how can i when there are screeches that only dogs can hear?!
and then there was the water the sprayed all on my face like every 5 secs

and then when i saw the she dentist had one of those special mechanical toothbrushes without the bristels and just spins like a friggen mile per hour

and she dipped it into one of those cherry flavor gel things
and when i saw that
i was all like
good lord
wat have i done to deserve this?

so after that
i was done
or so i thought
so another dentist came in and gave me this mouthwash
i had always hoped that the would forget that
so you had to keep it into your mouth
and you cant eat or drink for 30 min
when she told me this
i was all like
"this is a bad way to starve me"

she just laughed
but i swear
this thing had this dentisty taste that stays in your mouth
so although i meant it as a joke
i was pretty sure
that this was the only legal way to starve a person

i couldn't bear to swallow cuz it was that bad
so all the time i was trying to talk to my dad i was grunting and pointing
he said i was speaking troll
i told him that he was a bad dad


these people choose to be dentist
spending everyday picking other people's teeth
while other phD people try to treat AIDS or cancer
these people are all like
"i'm gonna devote myself to be other people's toothpick"
i dunno if these people are a different specie of human
but i just don't get them






so
as you can see
i love going to the dentist

cops = social outcast

you know how sometimes police goes to elementary schools
and they tell you that police are nice and they are here to help you
that's all good but
NO KID IS GOING TO ASK THEM FOR HELP
wat elementary kid goes up to a guy in black with numchucks and a gun?
and on top of it all,
they wear sunglasses
that make them look freaky

isn't it scary enough to give a big buff guy in black weapons?
so do they absolutely HAVE to have sunglasses
a kid might be in trouble and immediately thinks call 911
but then his mind clears and then their is my voice inside his head
then he'd rather deal with it himself/herself

well yea
ok if your really in trouble DO call the cops

anyways
i bet these cops are only trying to look cool
i think they were the social outcast in high school or something who "tried to be noticed"
and they "never gave up"


anyways there is one thing that i can never forget about cops
and it's not the whole "american hero" thing

its


bad boys bad boys watcha gonna do?
watcha gonna do when they come for you




one of the most american iconic songs ever

vampires

well this is another part of my talk of the "vampire frenzy" thing
why are we soo interested in vampires now?
wat about vampires makes it so appealing to us?

do we like seeing these people who really need a tan sucking blood on the neck of someone
or just drink the blood like wine?

do we like that?!

i dunno anyone who does
well...maybe the Christians
they might like to feel the LAST SUPPER
all of them will feel like the messiah or something

i don't have anything really against the vampire stuff
i'm just wondering

( P.S.
cannibals might like it too)

somewhere in heaven....

WARNING: THIS POST (obviously) HAS SOME STUFF THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE. JUST SO YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN IT TO BE



i've always wondered as many had before me if there was actually a god
a real christian god
or catholic....or jewish....or allah
so this is wat i imagined if there was actually one








somewhere in heaven....


god is looking down at the ground and looking at the people

"dear god (me). look at these muslims. these christians. these jews. all fighting in the name of me"

"i dunno wat happened when i was making these humans."

mary appears

"i think you added an extra kilogram of stupidity"

GOD: no no....it was the weather....all cloudy and rainy - a bad omen.

there was a silence as they kept on looking at the earth

GOD: remember the crusades?

MARY: o yea that was gruesome. and they say that it was for a holy reason - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

god looks at her

MARY: sorry...it sorta got on to me

GOD: i sent my own son to down there to tell them to love and they've given me the crusades

MARY: the iraq war

GOD: and all the civil wars - haven't i made it clear that ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL?

MARY: i think you need to talk your son

GOD: yea....JESUS CHRIST, YOU GET HERE THIS SECOND

JESUS: yes father

GOD: look down there, what do you see?

jesus looks down there and then looks back at his dad confused

JESUS: i see...uh...jay leno premier show

GOD: no no!

jesus starts to sweat

JESUS: i see a little girl on the sidewalk, uh.....a senator shouting liar....kenye west - well i think you know that one....and a knife -

GOD: exactly, knife is like gun and gun is like machine gun...and all of these leads up to war!
i sent you to love one another.....i dunno if you read something wrong (because your reading was always something you had trouble with) but now the only thing that can go through these homo sapiens is WAR

they've even made movies on LOVE AND WAR and if you ask me, these are two things that never go togeth -

mary decided to step in before things got out of hand
MARY: wat your father and i are trying to say, we have put too much stupidity in them

god waved her down
jesus was now sweating more than ever

GOD: we put adam and eve down there first to see wat happens. but i was a pansy to take them back so i gave them a second chance

JESUS: b-but you told me to preach and i did. and i swear to you that i didn't do anything wrong

GOD: years of putting you through school and then i end up with this....this is one package that cant be stimulated

god was getting more and more frustrated
and jesus was determined to make him see that he didn't do anything wrong
mary left them to kill each other

JESUS: look dad, i did everything i could -

god had enough

GOD: JESUS CHRIST JESUS! i dont need anymore of it

jesus winced

JESUS: dad! i told you not to swear!

GOD: don't worry son, your name's not the only one to be a swear word

things that are....uh.....darn i just forgot wat the title was going to be

i remember when kids started using words like gay

"you are gay!"

"well if i'm gay, then your a GAY LORD"

and nobody really even knew wat gay lord really meant

one time i asked my friend a long time ago
wat gaylord meant

"i dunno....lords who are gay?"
"so....you mean lords of the gays?"

"yea.....wait wat does gay mean?"

then when i was in 2nd grade and i said that i love to play chess
some 6th grader was told me i had no life

"dude you have no life"
"but....i'm living...?"


and then they laughed their heads off

so yea

and something that bothers me is that when people say "no offense"
when you say that, you don't really mean ''no offense''
you mean


"dude the cake you picked for you wedding is horrible, no offense"

that actually means
"HOLY DID I JUST EAT SHIT?"

they think that they can just make up for the insult you just said

that goes the same for "just kidding"


you think you can erase wat you just said

"dude your party sucked, no i'm kidding"

"i'd be laughing too if you were kidding correctly"

even though they say just kidding, that still doesn't make you feel better


so now there are some things to think about

i REALLY WISH I KNEW KUNG FU

so a few days ago
we were put into groups in my class to make a sci fi script
and i was put with this dude and a girl that i sorta know
and we had little time
so we were just coming up with ideas

the dude was all like
"ok just give me anything"


cuz he was going to write it on paper

and then he came up with the shadow eating purple frogs


i came up with 4 differen't things

"so how about space junk suddenly programed by aliens to attack eart - "

"just give me one word ok?"

and i was all like wat?

"you dont have to write whole sentences or words"

"yea but WHY?''

and i was all like WAT THE HELL

"uh.....maybe SO YOU CAN WRITE IT DOWN FASTER"

and the girl was just sitting there

so then after a 5 min quarrel, he started encouraging her to come up some ideas

"come on. just give me something. see even shuyi gave some. and that's SHUYI we're talking about"

and i was all like "YOU BARELY KNOW ME"
ARE YOU THAT MUCH OF A JACK***?!
apparently he was

so we had to do a presentation for this
it was suppose to sound like a radio broadcast
i wasn't sure if you needed sound effects or music

and we were going to go today
so i was wonderin if we could've gotten music or not
cuz if we did, then i know that we COULD'VE gotten a better score
and if we didn't, then i know that there is no way that we could've gotten the score higher than the one we will get

so i asked if the girl had a REALPLAYER
and before she could answer
the dude was all like
"what?"
"do you have a realplayer?"
"why are you asking this?"
saying it like i was really stupid

and i was like

YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID YES OR NO BUT YOU INSTEAD WASTED YOUR BREATH ON LIKE 5 MORE WORDS. SO WHO'S STUPID NOW

well i thought that
i was too much of a good girl to say that outloud
besides
there was no time
becuz somebody's group was getting ready





AND HE BARELY EVEN KNOWS ME DAMNIT



i hope eddie murphy can handle this one

wat i call religion

there are tons of people all around the world who are christians
and for some reason that i do know of, they are arguing

"GOD IS WHITE"

"NO GOD IS BLACK"

"SHUT UP GOD IS ASIAN"


"GOD IS AN EXOTIC POLYNESIAN WOMAN"

everbody turns to him

then a kid says

"but god marries to the virgin mary......"

this sinks in to everyone

then they all look back menacingly at the dude














i dunno
i just randomly made this up today

how to get better boots

today my dad and i were outside this mall
and he stopped to look at the display window(or the window with displays)

he said that he was interested in the hiking boots

i told him to stop looking at it
he obviously said why

and i told him that if you don't look at the products
cuz then the shop people will be wonderin why you aren't interested in this cool new high tech(i don't really see the high tech in a hiking boot but that's just me) boot
so then when people see that you aren't looking at the boot, they'll think that it's not that cool and just go with the person
soon there well be a crowd of people who doesn't think that the boot is cool
and other people will join in becuz everybody follows the crowd
(just ask the fake sports fans and the people who" hates" miley cyrus)
and then the makers will have a meeting of the sales and find out that the product isnt working
then they well make another boot that's WAY better
and then it will be on the market
on the same display window(or the window with displays)
and THAT'S when you buy it

so you get more for your money
an investment

i think that's how you use the word.....



so when i finished
i suddenly realized that we were still at the display window(or the window with displays)
and my dad was still standing there

...

are you a kid or a grown up?

kids are so simple
and i mean it in a good way
just sometimes a simple peek-a-boo will make them giggle
or maybe if their a little bit older than that
you might just say something insignificant and they will laugh like heck
nothing is complicated for them

sometimes seeing the joys in their face will just make you either happy or really mad

happy

• you feel happy and they feel happy
  
• happy + happy = frolic in green pasture up in montana and catch butterflies
  

mad

• you feel sad and you see the happy face of the stupid toothless baby being carried around
• sad + stupid toothless baby = YOU WANT TO PUNCH THAT BABY IN THE FACE
• or not.......better not

anyways
usually "happy"

and you see the joyful face when a baby just began walking
and the baby is just sooo happy that he/she is walking
and then when you are old

"ugh i have to walk....NO I'LL GET THE PAPERS"

*sigh*

there is always this child inside of us
if that child does nothing
you do nothing

so maybe we should just play with that child more often

we should just go up to someone and tap their shoulders and go
"YOU'RE IT"
and then run away

and soon we'll have a big tag game

something i learned from a 5 year old

today
i was at my dad's friend's house
and i was with their 5 year old daughter
she was showing me the pictures she drew in drawing class

"that's the chocolate waterfall....and that's the apple car and the waffle sun.....there's also the penguin city"

and i asked her if she thought of this all by herself and she said yes

i was absolutely stunned that she thought of it all by herself
and i was even more stunned by the fact that i was stunned about the mediocre picture(i have to admit, it wasn't that good)

she had imagination
she could think of watever she want
though when i used to hear spongebob saying "EEE-MMA-JIN-ATION" i thought that that was one of the cheesiest thing i have ever heard
i now look at it at a different perspective

then i looked at myself
older than the 5 year old
and her imagination more alive then mines will probably ever be

i finally realize the importance of imagination
my imagination is already slowly going by
it was like trying to hold water in your hands
no matter how much you try, everything just all trickles out

TOP SECRET MEDICAL REPORT NOW LEAKED ONLINE

sometimes you do things so amazing (or just you think is amazing)
without trying at all
well
that's a thing i call: IF-WANT-TO-DO-SOMETHING-BUT-YOU-CAN'T-DO-IT,-DON'T-TRY-AND-IT-WILL-WORK



okay fine
just "don't try"
(for all you lazy people)

seriously
sometimes if you just worry and get too frustrated, you won't be able to concentrate
but if you try the IF-WANT-TO- okay fine.....the "don't try" way
then you won't be worrying or get too frustrated, your mind will clear up
.......or maybe you won't be able to concentrate anyways....that's a common symptom of the "don't try" way

so
try= worry and frustrated

so the next time you have trouble shooting hoops or throwing Frisbees
just "don't try" !!!!!
(or the "IF-WANT-TO-DO-SOMETHING-BUT-YOU-CAN'T-DO-IT,-DON'T-TRY-AND-IT-WILL-WORK" way)


except for math tests
you really need to worry and frustrate on that

i delt with my anger issues

today me and my dad had a fight
sorta
it was fighting over two movies on two different channels
so yea
i didn't know that he was fake arguing or not
and then in the end
he asked me why am i so hot tempered
and i HATE IT when people say that kinda stuff
so i tried not to let my anger out and i just completely ignored him
and then he laughed and went back to his computer
it's sorta hard to control your temper
if i didn't control, i would have been kicking and turning tables
but i did
and luckily
i was watching Planet Earth on Discovery
so the leaping lemurs sort of helped me to calm down
and then within like 10 min
i was calmed down
and i dunno where the hell eddie murphy went
but i usually have him help me get through these things
still
i was just soo happy that i had calmed down
it's just a wonderful feeling
i felt like the crazy woman from the Progresso commercial
"POWER TO THE PEOPLE"
anyway
it was awesome













the best part
i did it without eddie murphy
so here's a lesson for all of you people out there


WATCH PLANET EARTH IF YOU HAVE ANGER ISSUES

lies from music

you know how your music teacher (if you have one) says "play with your heart"?
or "practice makes perfect"



that s*** does not apply to me
i mean i never believed that kind of stuff
if you play really badly, how can you play with your heart if wat your playing doesn't remotely sound like a song?
and when you do do it, your teacher would be all like
"i can see that you really put your heart to it, but the notes SUCK"
..........
ok your teacher wont say that, but you get the point

and practice makes perfect.......ugh
sometimes i find myself playing worst the more i practice
"now tell me why are you playing so bad?"
"uh.....cuz i was practicing a lot?"



i dunno if anyone else truly TRULY actually believes in these kind of things
but i certainly dont
but maybe these things do work
FOR OTHER PEOPLE
but the people who aren't those people
(you are awesome)
you get my point

everybody needs an Eddie Murphy

everybody needs an Eddie Murphy
seriously
it helps when you have problems
like me
i have anger issues
i get easily angry NOT annoyed but ANGRY
like when somebody just asks me a simple question and i don't get wat they are saying and they just repeat the dang question
also wen my parents mispronounces and it takes a long time before i understand wat they are saying
it just annoys me so much that i get so angry
but whenever there is a situation like this eddie murphy is all like

"aww cool down girl. maybe i should pour some cool water on you. it ain't the hot heads that solve problems"

and then wen i during run days, eddie is in his coach out fit and saying

"KEEP IT GOIN' GIRL! KEEP ON GOIN! MAKE PAPA PROUD!!"

and i'm all like panting "yea keep goin keep goin keep on goin girl"

see every body needs a comedian in their head

i had bill cosby calming be down during last year's Star Test......

















anyways
everyone needs an Eddie Murphy
and it doesn't even have to be Eddi Murphy
it can be Russel Peters (for those of you who don't know, he's a really funny indian comedian)
like for any problem you have

maybe you.....uh.....maybe you are stuck on a math problem in the math test

russel peters will be all like


"COME ON! THINK LIKE AN ASIAN! THINK LIKE AN ASIAN!!"

or maybe if you want to buy an expensive book yet you really don't want to cuz it's just too pricey

here's ellen degeneres

"you know you can just try to win it on my website........ or you can wait for a sale......or uh......you know.....but maybe you can try to bribe the store manager......or you can try to buy it off walmart........you know wat just BUY IT"

and then there's adam sandler.......well you get the point