Family

Goddamn
parents are confusing as hell
sometimes i know what they want from me but mostly i don't know what the hell they want
i mean give me a go damn break please

you know what, whenever adults say that "even though they are old, we still know what it's like to be a kid," they keep on proving themselves wrong. And it drives me insane

of course you don't know what it's like to be a kid again
you have vague memories of birthdays, laughing and knee scabs
that's it
that's all you can recall
and i don't mean that in a general manner
i mean literally, that's typically all adults remember
how much happier they were when they were a kid. End of story.
you forgot the other 99%
because you can't be happy every goddamn day
you're pissed most of the time and as you get older you just get more pissed

that's gonna happen to me i know it
because i don't know a single adult who still retains childhood memories that well
human history has already lasted this long and if somebody hasn't done it then nobody will

ugh i dunno, i'm not an expert
maybe there was some guy who did manage at some point but he was went unrecorded so nobody knew
actually he was probably put into the nut house cuz that's what happens when you look "too happy"
besides i'm talking about someone from ancient history - where it was pretty much 100 times worse than today cuz everything was huts, tribes and sewage

fully aware that i'm pissed right now
i'm probably gonna come back and read this one day say "damn, i had issues.."

but i do
i do have goddamn issues

it's gonna sound ridiculous and painful to say cuz it's killing me right now:
I wish my family is...awesome.

family is important man, it takes the pain to realize
for those who are reading and have perfect families, i can't convince you enough how much of a good thing you have - i'll just be wasting my time. No matter how much of a goddamn angel you are, you will never appreciate family unless something goes wrong. And suddenly it's not so perfect anymore. Then you realize that something was there inside you all the time and you never noticed it before.

family is like this core machine that is just humming and ticking away inside you.
if there is any glitch, you can repair it with a few screws and some super glue.
But super glue can crack and the screws will always come lose again. Nothing will ever replace the perfection that the original structure it had. Like i said, you don't know that it's there until you feel like something is missing, the regular ticking is gone or has gone haywire.

The glitches are permanent
you can never truly repair them.
and once you have them you feel like some internal beam has just crumbled slightly, like the pillars in old pantheon, still there, just broken.

You can be all tough and say that eh i'll just put it in the past and forget. To forget is to throw the content out of your brain so that you have completely deleted the file - forever.

and that's impossible. all you can do is just put it in the back of your head hope you don't look at something that'll make you suddenly remember. It's not that hard for that shit to come back to you. Your head is only so big, stuff is not gonna get lost so easily - if at all.

So those glitches, they are going to affect you for the rest of your life. Sometimes they'll lay dormant and you won't feel a thing. The wound is cleaned and stitched real nice and all. And it might be like that for so long that you think you have truly "left it in the past" and moved on. But it's only just fooling around. It'll fool you for so long that you'll be so convinced that you really did move on. You'll congratulate yourself.

But like the time when i saw this runner slip up and trip right before the finish line in the chicago marathon years ago, you'll find out that you congratulated much too early. It was all fake. After all that time, it was all a fake.

So you try to reason out what went wrong. Then it'll all fall into pieces and you'll react with horror as if your heart has just dropped and landed slapt on your diaphragm and sliding around there, weighing down like when you're on a hammock.  Now you see the big picture. The big goddamn picture. You were too stupid, too goddamn stupid to see it before. Like a translucent curtain had just been lifted and you realized for the first time that you were seeing everything half blurred. Censored.

And i fucking hate it. I really really really do. It pains me so much now that I can't even do anything write now but just vent it all out. i have to otherwise i'll implode - which i already feel like is starting to happen. My body is literally drooping with exhaustion and my eyes are only half open. Pain is tiring.

And there's nothing i can do about cuz that's just the way everything is. And it's been that way since. Plus i'm not a goddamn genius to solve a problem like this. Then again, i'm not an expert and i have no evidence that someone, somewhere, at some time  probably found a solution in their tribal hut full of sewage but it went unrecorded. You can never be sure of something unless you have proof.

Then you try to find the root of the problem. It's like one of those tough math problems that you think you solved but then find out that you did it wrong or something so you have to erase all the work you did. Go back to the beginning. Finally you realize with a jolt what the answer might be. You don't know for sure, cuz sometimes there is no answer key. Nevertheless, it blows your goddamn mind. Like a revelation or something. Then you downplay it cuz then again it might be wrong. The root is just of dubious origin and well...it just cold and doesn't give a damn about your effort.

well, i've got to do homework now. I can't procrastinate by moping. Yesterday I was laughing my ass off at some joke and today i'm just a wreck. That's what happens when you're too happy i guess.
It's something you got to pay for. Like when the doctor saves your life or something, they charge you for their help. You have to pay for help. Actually pay, whether it's from your heart or from your heart and through your wallet. You have got to pay.

That's why i like cops better. they don't say "glad you didn't get robbed, now pay up."
doctors are just scammers that way. One moment you're on the 5 o' clock news publicly thanking your doctor for helping your kid and then the next moment you're off camera and complaining about health bills.

ok enough, i need to get back to that homework. Can't tell my teachers that i didn't do it cuz i was fucking depressed.

But talking about this helps. A little, but it does.

i'll just say this for all the good that it'll do: i wish that everything in my family is alright.
in any case, in a rare case of optimism from me, some people have got it worse than i do, so i shouldn't be complaining too much.
when i think about it, it's not that bad i guess
but when i really think about it, it is that bad...


I'll try to find something cheerful the next time.