Feeling bad for myself and Chocolate Bark - it's all relevant

ah it's been a while

thank you to all the fans who have stuck around all this time....hello?

just kidding, i know you guys are all there

and if not, well....i can be very imaginative..

anyway 

today i've discovered that i'm can a very selfish person

and it's not specifically by anything i've done exactly..it's more like i've just noticed these little things that i do all the time and it's piled up quite noticeably

no particular epiphany, just sat around on my chair with my snow jacket wrapped around my waist comfortably because wearing it makes me feel sleepy

that's what happens when you wear something or feel something that's too comfortable - you can get knocked out really fast

ok off topic as usual

so i was just sitting around looking at my desk, forgetting what i was suppose to do next, and think that my desk is really messy. 

then just for something to do or to see something that'll jog my memory (which i had just lost in the last 3 secs) i opened a drawer and found a Trader Joe's chocolate bark metal box with christmas themed and everything. 

i got it as a secret santa present a few years ago from some random kid who actually made an effort

Actually made an effort. ACTUALLY made an EFFORT. 

which consequently made me feel like a bratty arrogant too cool for school punkass kid

i mean i felt so bad cuz i barely tried. My only excuse - which now seems completely lame - at the time was "I have other shit to do"

the thing is, initially i felt bad, but then i realized that this kid, when i found out who my secret santa was, was actually someone i was annoyed of. 

i mean he will pile on the horse manure to sound nice and next he'll be bad mouthing - or so i have gathered from my minimal observations

but now I feel like a first class A-hole

Worst of all, for a great deal of time after the whole secret santa thing was over (which i have to admit cause me more stress than it should've once i discovered that people took it seriously) I still didn't feel any remorse or gratitude towards my chocolate bark gift. 

it might have something to do with the fact that i don't like chocolate bark with peppermint chunks all over it. it was dark chocolate too. i don't like dark chocolate. i mean they really try to make it..like bark.

still though, i guess feeling bad is something now. I mean i didn't even feel that bad before. 

...and that just made it sound even worse for me. I'll never be able to reason my way out of this one. 

all in all, i just discovered that no matter how good i try to be, i find myself full of shit anyway.  

goodness sometimes when i look back at what i had just written, i think "what is this drivel...." 

and then i publish it. 

cheers.